


Pesky Kids With Handsome Dads (A Day In The Life Of A Mall Santa's Elf)

by heartsdesire456



Series: 25 Days of Fandom [5]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Comedy, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Matchmaking, Teacher Phil Coulson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 18:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2741969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Clint said he needed a second job, he never expected Natasha’s answer to this issue would be ‘seasonal mall Santa’s helper elf’. He was a year out of college, still had no clue what the hell he could do with an English degree besides go on to get an education degree and teach (Uh, how about <i>no</i>) so he was still working at the coffee shop with Natasha</p><p>And yet here he was just sitting down at the food court with his bounty of shitty mall tacos so heavily that his jingle bells jingled louder than usual. He really regretted taking the job sometimes. He loved the kids, but dear <i>God</i> the parents were a nightmare.</p><p>All except one particular Dad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pesky Kids With Handsome Dads (A Day In The Life Of A Mall Santa's Elf)

**Author's Note:**

> This took way longer to write (because it's a longer fic) than it should have.
> 
> Sorry I'm behind on these Christmas fics but I WILL FIX IT!

When Clint said he needed a second job, he never expected Natasha’s answer to this issue would be ‘seasonal mall Santa’s helper elf’. He was a year out of college, still had no clue what the hell he could do with an English degree besides go on to get an education degree and teach (Uh, how about _no_ ) so he was still working at the coffee shop with Natasha

And yet here he was just sitting down at the food court with his bounty of shitty mall tacos so heavily that his jingle bells jingled louder than usual. He really regretted taking the job sometimes. He loved the kids, but dear _God_ the parents were a nightmare.

Clint was just getting ready to take a bite out of his first taco when the chair across from him slid out and down plopped a little girl. She looked around furtively and then ducked closer. “Okay, so here’s the deal. Pretend I’m eating lunch with you.”

Clint blinked. “Uh… kid… I’m off the clock. Even Santa’s elves get a break.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m nine, I know all the Santa stuff isn’t real,” she said, waving a hand. “I heard my dad and my aunt talking about how you guys get checked out so I know you’re not a kidnapper or something. I just need to hide out for a minute then I’ll leave you to your jingly lunch.” She looked around, ducking in her seat some. “Pretend you’re talking to me!” she hissed.

Clint bit his lip, trying not to laugh. “You’re pretty funny to be nine,” he said and she gave him a flat look. He shook his head. “Alright, uh, were are you from, Kid?”

“My name is Skye,” she said. “And I can’t tell you that.” He raised an eyebrow and she rolled her eyes. “Even if you’re not a robber, I’m still not gonna tell a random grown up where I _live_ ,” she stressed.

“Parent or sibling?” he asked, and she frowned an adorably confused little frown, tilting her head so that one of her long, straight pigtails fell over her shoulder. He waved a hand. “Who’re you hiding from?”

She opened her mouth, but before she could answer a voice called out. “Skye!” Clint jumped half out of his skin but Skye just rolled her big, brown eyes and slumped in her seat dramatically. Clint was still making sure he hadn’t accidently pissed himself out of fear when a woman materialized beside them with a very severe expression. “Skye you are in so much trouble, your father nearly had a heart attack.” She looked at Clint and Clint shrank back from a glare so stern he was pretty sure this woman just struck the fear of God in all of his ancestors. “Why do you have-“

“He didn’t kidnap me, come on,” Skye argued, sliding out of her chair. She put her little hands on her hips. “I just needed somewhere to hide out.”

Clint cleared his throat, putting on his most polite smile. “Your mom is right, you shouldn’t run from your parents, Skye,” he explained.

The woman shot him a look that almost made him rethink that whole ‘pissing himself’ thing. “Do I _look_ like her mother?” she challenged.

Clint blinked. “Uh…” He looked between Skye and the woman, meeting her raised eyebrow with a deep-seated fear that he may be about to die at the hands of a parent just like his nightmares entailed recently.

Clint was still trying to think of the least racist way to say ‘well you’re both Asian and she clearly belongs to you’ when a harried looking man stalked up to them, practically dropping all his bags rather than putting them down as he knelt down and put his hands on Skye’s shoulders. “Skye, oh thank God,” he said, pulling her into a hug. “Don’t you ever run away from me again, do you hear me?” he chastised, pulling back to look at her, running a hand over one of her pigtails. “You scared me to death.”

Skye pouted, but Clint couldn’t help a smile at the flicker of genuine shame in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad,” she mumbled.

The man stood up and looked at Clint, and Clint was surprised to recognize the man’s face. “Oh, hey, I know you,” Clint said, smiling in panic as he remembered where from. “Professor Coulson?” he asked. 

(Clint’s second year of college, he’d had the most ridiculously handsome and amusing professor ever. It had been a tough year. He had worn reading glasses and every single time, Clint wanted to crawl onto his desk and offer Professor Coulson his body and/or offer to carry his illegitimate children. The man had been the product of Clint’s fantasies for at least six months even after that class ended.)

Clint moved quickly, standing up so that he wasn’t being looked down at by three people. “Sorry, uh, your daughter… um, swear I’m not trying to abduct your child?” he offered sheepishly.

Professor Coulson blinked in surprise, but managed a small smile. “I remember you. Barton right?” he asked, and Clint nodded. 

“Yeah, Clint,” he said with an awkward little wave. “I had you for-“

“Ancient World Literature,” Coulson said with a polite nod. His blue eyes twinkled with amusement that suggested he really did remember. (And Jesus Christ they were still as gorgeous as Clint remembered.) “I remember your enthusiastic paper on Dante,” he said and Clint grimaced internally, remembering the twenty-two page product of way too much coffee and an interesting topic…. For an assignment that was meant to be five to seven pages. Coulson looked down at his daughter. “I’m really sorry my child decided to _escape_ ,” he said, glaring down at the little girl.

Clint shook his head, smiling. “I was just telling your wife that she kind of just sat down and started talking to me.”

Coulson looked at the woman, who rolled her eyes and he chuckled, shaking his head with an almost bashful smile. “Oh no. I’m not married to her.”

“Aunt May can’t be his wife, Dad’s gay,” Skye announced loudly, drawing a few glances their way.

Clint’s stupid brain decided to do a victory dance at even the slightest hint of a chance (and oh GOD it was slight, what the hell, Brain?) but he managed to squat down and smile at Skye. “And? So am I. Doesn’t mean you gotta shout it out in the food court.” He winked. “Never know what creeps might hit on your dad if you go yellin’ that he doesn’t have a wife.”

She looked up at her father then back at Clint and raised an eyebrow. “Does he look like he gets hit on?” she asked and Clint laughed in surprise, nearly falling over out of shock for how much attitude the little girl in front of him had.

“Skye!” Coulson hissed, and Clint glanced up to see pink rising in his cheeks as he glared at his kid.

Clint didn’t even stop to think before he winked at Skye. “I don’t know, it’s not like handsome guys grow on trees, especially not ones over thirty. Maybe you just don’t see all the cute people flirting with your dad because you’re too busy running off and sitting at tables with dudes wearing tights and bells all over themselves,” he said, shaking his head to make the bell on his hat jingle annoyingly. 

Skye giggled, looking so amused at his jingling and his words. “You’re funny,” she said brightly, looking up at her dad. “Dad, isn’t Clint funny?”

He smiled politely. “Sure, Sweetheart.”

Clint stood up, ducking his head apologetically. “Sorry about that.”

Coulson shook his head. “It’s nothing you did,” he said coolly. He looked down at Skye. “Alright, I think it’s time we go home now. Someone’s due another lecture on ‘don’t give Dad a heart attack’,” he said pointedly and she rolled her eyes, earning a glare from ‘Aunt May’. (A pants-shittingly terrifying glare, if you asked Clint. He had no clue how the kid wasn’t terrified.) Coulson looked up and nodded to him. “It was nice to see you again, Clint.”

Clint smiled brightly. “Same here, Professor Coulson.”

Coulson made a face and smiled, a tiny quirk of his lips, looking more amused and shy than anything. “I’m not in class, so it’s Phil.”

Clint felt like he was going to melt from the inside out at the small little smile on that gorgeous man’s lips. “Phil,” he nearly breathed, nodding to Couls- _Phil_ one last time before they turned and all started to walk away.

~

Clint was more than a little surprised when, three days later, a familiar, albeit tiny, person flopped down across from him as he sat at the Starbucks in the mall. “Hey, Clint,” Skye said brightly.

Clint raised an eyebrow and glanced around, not seeing Phil or Aunt May. “Um, who did you run away from this time?” he asked.

She shook her head. “My babysitter is getting me coffee,” she explained and Clint shot her a disbelieving look.

“You’re getting _coffee_?” he asked and she nodded.

“What? I’m Chinese, it’s not like it’s gonna stunt my growth more than my DNA will already,” she said and Clint snorted a surprised laugh. 

“Oh my God, Kid, you’re something else,” he said with a grin. “Alright, so who is your babysitter today? Aunt May finally get tired of you?”

She shook her head. “She had to work today and Daddy had to grade stuff.”

“Here you are, Skye,” a man said, placing a small cup in front of her. “Are you sure this is your usual drink? Only the lady at the register looked at me like I was mad for asking for a kid sized cappuccino,” he said, frowning adorably (yes, adorably, this kid couldn’t be but about eighteen and looked like a puppy, if you asked Clint).

Skye gave him a dramatically innocent look. “Of course it is, Fitz, Daddy gets me one every time.”

Clint shook his head, hiding his smile in his own coffee. “You are going to be running around like a Chihuahua on crack, Kid,” he said and she gave him a devious smirk as she lifted the drink to her lips and took a long drink.

“Hi,” Fitz said, pulling up a chair to sit beside Skye. “Are you a friend of Coulson’s?” he asked. “Skye didn’t tell me we were meeting someone.”

Clint shot her a look. “Actually, I didn’t know Skye would be here today.”

Skye nodded to Clint. “This is the one my dad kept talking about the other day.” She turned to Clint. “Oh yeah, my dad thinks you’re really cute, by the way.”

Clint choked on his coffee, nearly spitting it all over the poor, mortified looking babysitter. “SKYE!” Fitz hissed. “You don’t go saying things like that-“

“What?! He does!” she stressed. “Dad told Aunt May Clint’s butt was cute in his elf tights! I heard him!” 

Clint could feel his face on fire and hoped they might buy that it was from choking. “Skye, I doubt your dad said my butt looked cute-“

“He did,” she stressed. “He told her he was glad you’re not a student anymore so he didn’t feel like a dirty old man, whatever that means,” she said, making a face and her babysitter dropped his head to the table in defeat. 

Clint narrowed his eyes, too curious to let it go. “Wait, I had him like three years ago,” he said and she made a ‘wow’ face.

“You’re so _old_ ,” she said in awe. “I mean, Dad’s way older but maaaaan-“

“Hey, I’m only twenty-nine!” he argued. “I mean, yeah, I started college later than most people, but I’m still young!”

Skye gaped. “Wow, you’re even _older_!” She reached out and patted his hand. “It’s okay, you’re not going to die alone, we’ll fix this,” she said very sincerely. “My dad likes you at least, so you know that there is hope, even if he’s old and boring.”

Fitz gave her a glare. “This is why the other babysitter’s quit,” he accused and she gave him a flat look.

“You’re just too scared my dad will fail you to quit, don’t act like you’ve stuck with it cause you want to,” she said and Fitz pouted.

“Harsh-“

“True,” she said with a shrug of her tiny shoulders. She looked at Clint. “Clint, don’t worry about a thing, I’ll make sure my dad knows you think he’s cute-“

“Hey! I never said I think your dad is-“ She gave him a pointed look and he grumbled. “You’re kind of evil for a toddler.”

“I get it from Dad,” she said proudly.

Fitz scoffed. “You’re adopted!”

“So?” she countered. “Trying to say Dad isn’t still my Dad?” she asked, pouting exaggeratedly as if he’d hurt her feelings and Fitz looked horrified.

“Of course not-“ He stopped when she smirked. “Wow, you are evil.”

“Yep!” she said brightly. She turned back to Clint. “Give me a few days and I’ll have you a date with my Dad, easy.”

“Look, Skye, you can’t just set your dad up with a random guy,” Clint said (even though he really wasn’t too proud to let a nine year old set him up with her dad if he had a real chance because of it). 

Skye rolled her eyes. “Clint. You think he’s cute. He thinks you’re cute. You are funny and the last guy my dad dated said I was a smartass little bitch and you said I’m funny.”

Clint gaped. “Holy shi- I mean crap!” he blurted out. “Your dad’s last boyfriend called you _what_?!”

“Smartass little b-“

“Language, Skye,” Fitz attempted but she just ignored him.

“Did your dad punch him?” Clint asked her.

She smirked. “Nope, I told Aunt May first.” She sipped her drink faux-casually. “She’s a black belt.”

Clint couldn’t help but grin. “Good job,” he said, holding out his hand for a high-five.

Skye smile brightly. “See? I like you,” she said simply. She looked at Fitz. “Fitz, is it time for the movie yet?” she asked and he looked at his watch.

“Just about. You ready to go?” he asked, and she nodded, sliding off her chair. Fitz cleared his throat awkwardly. “It was nice to meet you,” he said and Clint just snickered and nodded.

Skye waved at Clint, smiling. “Bye, Clint, I’ll see you later with an update!” she said and Clint couldn’t help an amused smile.

“I can’t change your mind, can I?” he asked and she gave him a bright grin.

“Nope!”

He rolled his eyes. “Alright, see you later, Skye.”

~

Clint wasn’t in his elf costume the next time he saw Skye. He and Natasha were in Macy’s looking for something to buy their friend Steve for Christmas when he heard an excited call of his name. “Clint!” He turned just in time to let out an ‘oof!’ as a tiny, dark haired blur slammed into his middle. He chuckled as he patted Skye’s head, her skinny arms hugging him around the waist.  
“Hugging stage, I didn’t know we were there yet,” he said as she pulled back.

“Skye! Don’t run off and- Oh.” Clint looked up, giving Phil an innocent smile when she pulled away. Phil sighed. “Skye, have you been harassing Mr. Barton when I’m not around?” he asked her suspiciously.

She bounced excitedly. “Dad, Clint isn’t in his elf suit!” she said, tugging at Clint’s hand. “Doesn’t he look nice in normal clothes!” she said and Clint bit back a grin when he saw Phil unthinkingly look him over from head to toe, blushing when he met Clint’s eyes.

“You look very nice, Clint,” he said politely, then glared at Skye. “Skye.”

She looked up at Clint and wiggled her eyebrows. “Clliiinnnnt, don’t you think my Dad looks nice too?” she asked and Clint couldn’t help but laugh and rub a hand over her head.

“You’re devious, Kid,” he said, then smiled at Phil. “You look good, Phil,” he said, taking in his soft looking sweater and jeans. He wasn’t lying, Phil looked positively delectable. He had the strange urge to hug him and rub his face against his sweater. 

Natasha cleared her throat pointedly and Clint jumped, startled from checking Phil out. “Oh hey, this is Natasha, my best friend,” he said, putting a hand on Skye’s shoulders to turn her so Natasha could see her. “Nat, this is my little stalker I told you about.”

Skye rolled her eyes. “You say that like you don’t like it,” she accused and Clint laughed at her tone.

“Okay, Nat, this is my awesome little buddy that walks up to me in random public places and talks about things.” He glance down and Skye nodded approvingly.

“Better.”

Natasha smirked, then offered her hand to Skye. “I admire your work,” she said, and Skye giggled as Natasha gave Clint an evil smirk. 

Skye looked between Phil and Clint and gave Natasha an almost equally evil grin. “We should go look at girl things!” she said brightly, then turned to her Dad. “Dad, you and Clint can go buy my Christmas presents and I can go look at girl stuff with Natasha!”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been looking at ‘girl stuff’ with you for nine years, pink isn’t suddenly going to give me nightmares.”

Skye sucked her teeth. “Dad,” she said very seriously. “You don’t know anything about what’s cool. Natasha’s a pretty lady. She knows what’s cool.”

Phil gave her a flat, unimpressed look. “Skye.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Natasha needs my help finding Clint’s Christmas present,” she tried, and Phil raised an eyebrow.

“You just met her ninety seconds ago.”

Natasha smirked. “No, it’s true,” she said and Clint gave her a betrayed look. “If it’s okay with your dad, Skye, I could definitely use your help,” she said, glancing up at Phil.

Phil rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “Alright, alright, but only because Skye can’t possibly get in more trouble with you than me.” He gave Skye a look. “Do not wander off, and do not leave this store. Got it?”

She beamed. “Yay!” she cried, then grabbed Natasha’s hand and tugged her away quickly. 

Clint sighed, but gave Phil a small smile. “Don’t worry, Natasha’s totally a responsible adult. Nothing’s going to happen to your kid.”

Phil waved a hand. “The security guard at the door knows me and he knows Skye isn’t allowed to leave without me, so it’s not like your friend can kidnap her.”

“I’m sorry about this whole…” Clint waved a hand towards Skye and Natasha’s retreating backs as he and Phil started walking, not really looking at anything in spite of Skye’s instructions. “Full disclosure, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to set you up with me,” he blurted out, then flushed, unsure of why the hell he’d said that.

Phil gave him an amused little smile. “You think so?”

“Well, she told me she was, so there’s that,” Clint admitted and Phil sighed, shaking his head.

“Skye. Skye is such a strange child, I’m sorry,” he said, looking up at Clint with an apologetic face. “I have no idea why she feels the need to set me up with someone.”

Clint laughed. “Well, I’m not trying to pry or claim I really know her that well, but it sounds like you’ve been single for a while and she probably just wants her dad to be happy,” he said, shrugging as he pushed his hands into his pockets. “She’s nine, she just knows that I think she’s pretty awesome and she uh-“ He stopped and grimaced. “She told me about how the last guy you dated said some mean things to her, so I guess she thought I was nice and then when I told her I’m gay, she decided that was all she needed to start playing matchmaker.”

Phil sighed and shook his head. “I’m surprised he even remembers that. She was six then,” he said and Clint nearly walked into a mannequin, stumbling just in time to grab it to stop himself.

“You haven’t dated anybody in _a few years_?!” Clint spluttered. He saw the amused look on Phil’s face and he followed his gaze only to blush when he realized his hands were on the mannequin’s ‘breasts’. “I- I just mean.” Clint rubbed at his neck awkwardly. “Well, you know, you’re a successful, kinda crazy handsome guy. If you can’t get a boyfriend, the rest of us are doomed,” he said almost, gazing at the mannequin almost forlornly. “Man. I really am gonna die alone like Skye said.”

“Oh God,” Phil muttered. “She told you you’d die alone?”

Clint nodded. “Apparently twenty-nine is ancient to a nine year old.”

Phil chuckled, shaking his head. “I apologize for my child. And I doubt you’ll die alone,” he joked.

Clint waved a hand at Phil as they started walking again. “Well you just said you’ve been single for years, clearly there’s no hope for the rest of us if someone like you can’t get a boyfriend.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Someone like me?”

Clint counted off on his fingers. “Somewhere in the ballpark of forty-something which is perfect ‘settling down’ age, successful career seeing as you’re a college professor, adorable tiny child with a hilarious personality, and on top of all of that, handsome for any age, nonetheless the age where most guys start getting fat and give up on their appearance at all.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Or you could look at it as ‘too old to assume is okay with casual relationships’, ‘works all the time even when at home’, ‘has someone else more important than a potential partner’, and ‘you really need your eyes checked’,” Phil countered. “Although I will give you the well dressed and in shape part,” he said in a playful tone. “My best friend makes me practice being beaten up so I stay active and both she and Skye tease me about my perfectly organized and matched clothes.”

“Yeah, but that asshole that said that to Skye was a dick, you can’t tell me most people wouldn’t _welcome_ someone with a kid that’s awesome, not a boring kid,” Clint argued. “And agree to disagree on the handsome thing, because – I mean this in the least creepy way as possible – you’re really freaking hot. Like… all incredible blue eyes and awesome smiles.”

Phil gave him an almost bashful look. “How on earth does a young, attractive man like you think I’m handsome?” he asked. “I mean, you were in one of my classes, clearly you had to stare at me long enough to see the full effect of all the wrinkles and receding hairline.” Clint flushed, looking down at his feet.

“Uh… so, awkward confession, I sort of had the biggest crush on you when I was in your class,” he admitted, cheeks pink. “I mean, it was really hard to focus on your lectures when I couldn’t stop just staring at you.”

Phil raised an amused eyebrow. “Really now?”

Clint narrowed his eyes. “Why do I get the idea you knew about this.”

He laughed softly. “That class was early in the morning. Most people fell asleep behind you. You just never noticed because you sat in the front row and stared at my ass when I turned around to write on the board.”

Clint clapped a hand over his face. “Aw man.”

“Admittedly, I didn’t think you’d find me handsome now, years later, when you met me again after being stalked by my child,” Phil said, then looked down. “Have to say, pretty glad you’re not a student anymore, though. I would feel pretty creepy about liking the way the elf tights fit if you were still a student,” he admitted and Clint chuckled.

“Skye mentioned that,” he said and Phil groaned.

“That child-“

“Is an evil genius, let’s be real,” Clint joked. “If you’re not careful, she’ll grow up to be a cartoon bad guy or something.”

Clint and Phil walked a few more circuits of the store, talking about less embarrassing and serious things until Skye and Natasha returned. Clint raised an eyebrow at the bag Natasha had and Skye skipped over, grabbing her dad’s hand. “Dad, Natasha has to go do stuff without Clint so she said we can take him with us.”

Clint cleared his throat pointedly. “Don’t I get to decide where I go?”

Natasha shook her head. “Nope.”

Skye gave him a wide eyed pout. “Don’t you want to come shopping with me and my Dad, Clint?” she asked, batting her eyelashes. “You like us, right?”

Clint chuckled, reaching out to ruffle Skye’s hair. “You’re so devious,” he accused. He sighed dramatically. “Fine. If your dad doesn’t mind me, I’ll come with you, Skye.”

Phil opened his mouth but Skye answered before he did, looking at him with a triumphant smile. “Awesome! That means you can Dad can go get dinner since I’m going with Aunt May,” she said, pointing to the left and, sure enough, Clint could see Skye’s Aunt May coming down the aisle. 

“Skye!” Phil chastised and Skye just grinned at him.

Clint ducked his eyes. “Skye, you don’t know that he wants to go get dinner with me.”

Skye rolled her eyes at him then looked at Phil until Phil finally chuckled and held up his hands. “Alright, alright, fine.” He turned to Clint. “Clint, would you like to have dinner with me while my pesky child and best friend undoubtedly go plot against me further?”

Clint blushed but nodded, smiling at Phil. “If you want we can plot against Skye while we’re at it,” he offered and Phil smiled at him, making his stomach twist pleasantly.

“Sounds good.”


End file.
